Tuesday, 18 February 2014

3 legged cat - free to good home

Filed under "shit I post on my work noticeboard".

Free 3 legged cat!

No, that’s not a euphemism

OK, so you've clicked on this ad, thinking it was a joke or that “3-legged-cat” is one of the endless and ridiculous non-words that Gen Y seem to come up with every other day. Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not about to give you a trendy new term to share with your 657 friends that you've never actually met in the flesh.

But… if I was trying to ‘reach out to today’s youth’, 3-legged-cat would probably mean something totally pointless, because there are already plenty of proper words that accurately describe “feeling a little wonky from the 15 schooners of tia maria and coke I drank last night”. Like, “I’m hungover”, for example. “I’m a bit 3LC” is not only inane and pompous, but its probable acceptance into popular vernacular is yet another example of why society is rapidly accelerating down the toilet.

Why I would be giving away a free hangover, I have no idea, but I don’t think making sense is that important these days if the internet is to be believed.

So, there you have it, this ad is definitely not about the slow extinction of the English language. It is actually to offer you a cat with one leg missing. If the first question that pops into your head is “how did it lose the leg?”, then you are unlikely to be an appropriate recipient of said cat. If, on the other hand, you were to think “a cat, no matter how many legs it has, would be a wonderful furry tool to fill the void in my life, to be the subject of the many cuddles that are currently going to my pillow”…then you may be at the top of his potential new owner list. A little sad and tragic, but still capable of saving the life of this wonderful cat.

Particulars – the animal is a Felis Catus. His slave name is “Hello-Welcome” although he also comes to the sound of a spoon tapping on a tin, so, whatever. HW is not micro-chipped or council registered – he’s a proud cat and strenuously objected to having Big Brother’s mark on him. Especially considering Big Brother has a tendency to waste millions of dollars on nonsensical “improvements” to the city CBD.

HW is about 4 years old and was born with four legs. He now has 3, but his ability to function as a cat has not suffered as a result. He still walks around, eats and likes cuddles. He is an overall healthy cat.

Special talents – sleeping, HW can speak 5 cat dialects and also understands English and Thai. I’m not aware of any language that sounds like a tablespoon tapping on a cat food tin, but if there was one, he would understand that too. HW is an outside cat, so if you plan to lock him up in a small one bedroom apartment, then there’s a chance he may try to suffocate you in your sleep. Three legged cats are not that fantastic at catching and killing wildlife so your local birds and lizards should be safe.

Why is he available? The owner is moving overseas and cannot take HW with him.

Not convinced? Seriously, if you are a single male, imagine for a second the spontaneous conversations you could start with potential partners about your 3-legged-cat. You could even tell the lame, but mildly amusing joke about not eating a good cat all at once. 

I’d probably draw the line at keeping a photo of HW in your wallet, though, because that would just be weird. 

This is what HW would like like if he had 4 legs. And was born a horse.

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