Friday, 7 March 2014

Tardis for sale

Doubles as a TV cabinet/and or transmogrifier.

I present to you a once in a lifetime opportunity to buy this fantastic portal to many dimensions. Hand crafted from teak, this solid and very attractive piece has 4 drawers, a separate shelf for your DVD player and will encase a TV of up to 20 feet in length. If you’re a bit picky and don’t want to smash your 20 foot long TV into tiny pieces, then it would probably fit an ‘un-smashed’ 32 inch flat screen without too much hassle.

Used originally by an Indonesian time lord, this magnificent box is still in great condition because, frankly, he wasn’t very good and got eaten by The Beast fairly early on in his career.

Why am I selling it? Well, while the Darleks are about as scary and dangerous as they look (i.e. not very), the Pyrovile are as mean as all buggery and they’re a tad angry with me after our last interaction. I can’t say too much but it involved a poker game, five aces and a particularly strong batch of intergalactic mushrooms.

So, how much for this magic machine? $120. See the photos for how fantastic a bargain that is. This is no chip-board box that will fall apart any time soon – it is solid wood. You could always offer less if you want to insult the memory of our fallen fellow time lord. 
welcoming you with open arms
I can assure anyone from (insert rich suburb here) that you won’t get mugged or carjacked in the slums. I’d suggest you not come after sunset though as we (the unwashed) tend to pick up the scent of money and blood better in the dark. Isolation of senses and all that.

Transmogrifier function: As if the time and dimension travel wasn’t enough, this item also provides the ability to transmogrify any object, organic or otherwise. You can go through life feeling that you have no need for a transmogrifier, but then your friend’s vegan partner turns up at your bbq with a bowl full of chickpea and soybean salad and you wonder how you’ve ever done without it. Turning something inedible into (a) alcohol so you can put up with their constant whining about eating baby animals, (b) a big plate full of sausages and bacon, or (c) anything other than pretend food, provides so much satisfaction that you may just spontaneously combust. Transmogrifying yourself into a homo erectus and turning up at church also has its thrill factor, but then I’ve been told I’m a disturbed individual more than once.

If you’ve read this far, I’ll be honest, you deserve a bonus. If you pay $120 for the Tardis, you can have the fantastic JVC CRT TV that is currently in the Tardis. It doesn’t have a remote so it doubles as an exercise machine. If you are lazy you could always get a universal remote. For those of you who don’t know what a CRT TV is – it is a box with magic pictures on it that aren’t digital – therefore you need to plug a digital box into it to make those magical pictures become less fuzzy. 

K..L…F…aha, aha aha.

Terms, conditions, disclaimer and other rubbish – If you hand over cash for this item, you take personal responsibility for all time travel ramifications. Don’t blame me if the Priestess of Pyrovile isn’t exactly thrilled to see you turn up in a box that is burned into her spiteful memory. As to the Tardis actually working, you have to understand that its operation requires an exceptional amount of ingenuity and intelligence* and that it is a used item. Similarly, if you buy a second-hand lawn mower, you can push it around your yard making “brrm brrrm” noises, but unless you get it started, chances are your grass won’t get any shorter. 
In regard to my thinly-veiled pot shot at vegans, don’t take it personally. I’m just a self-righteous lazy person and vegans are easy targets. Just like theists and Alan Jones. Being a coward, I tend to pick targets for ridicule that are least likely to grab a sharp weapon, track me down and growl “come at me, bro”. Seriously though, I actually have an enormous amount of sympathy for people who are blind to the wonders of animal flesh.

Not really. Did I mention that I’m a compulsive liar? I mean, c’mon, if Marduk didn’t want us to eat lamb and veal he’d have made them taste like tofu. Lions only eat meat and they are invariably awesome. I sometimes pretend to be a lion by letting my hair grow and hiding in the bushes, waiting for prey. The opportunity to pounce on a passing springbok is yet to present itself but I’m now on pretty good terms with the postie. Her argument that lions can wear pants and still remain camouflaged and awesome was compelling. She also said she’d keep a look out for injured or newly-born springboks for me.
Despite the geekiness of this ad, the last time I watched a Dr Who episode was in the early 80’s. I caught a few seconds while channel surfing about a year ago and had nightmares for a month. It seems children aren’t scared by much these days. Except, of course, human interaction. Speaking of geekiness, it is becoming abundantly clear that what constitutes TV comedy these days is pretty much anything the Americans can put together with a hand full of untalented morons and a recorded laugh-track. I’ve come to the conclusion that watching more than 30 seconds of “The Big Bang Theory” increases your risk of a condition called “irresistibleurgetostabmyeyesoutwithabrokenbottle”by about 3500%. Or maybe I’m just old and out of touch with what’s cool with the hipsters. I suspect the former.

So, there you have it - I’m an old, bitter and obnoxious person. Just buy my damn TV cabinet already.

*ingenuity and intelligence is preferable but the mind-altering substance of your choice will probably help things.

almost exactly the same