Wednesday, 26 November 2014

Evolving in the wrong direction with vegan cheese.

Call me out of touch or just plain ignorant, but I’d never heard of vegan cheese before a few days ago. I’m vaguely familiar with fake bacon and other meat abominations, but I don’t usually spend time thinking about what the plant people eat, so it hadn't occurred to me that they might also have a substitute for cows’ most precious gift to human-kind. Besides beef, of course. And butter. And milk. And big brown eyes and the calming tone of their song.
Beautiful and delicious in almost every way possible.
I learned that typing ‘vegan cheese’ in to an internet search engine is comparable to watching an episode of Big Brother, or any other reality TV show for that matter. It figuratively blows your mind and has you wondering how humans have survived as a species if this is the result of billions of years of evolution.

I’m of the belief that having a nutritious and very tasty natural food product at your disposal and then substituting it with something that is neither is incomprehensible. As far as my care factor will allow me to ascertain, the process of making vegan cheese is as time consuming and pointless as putting your socks in a bucket, marinating them with 10 random ingredients for a couple of days and then slow roasting for 4 hours, basting them with the marinade every 20 minutes. The result is something you can put in your mouth and swallow, but it would make so much more sense if you just ate animal products instead.

No, I’ve never eaten vegan cheese, but I also don’t need to eat tofu burgers to know it would be a waste of time. Because beef.

I’m on board with eliminating the suffering of animals – but given the effort that people go to in manufacturing or sourcing these ridiculously poor excuses for food – surely that effort would be more wisely utilised in buying a cow, treating her well, asking her permission before you fondle her boobs, and then trading her grass and board for the delicious raw milk.

Everyone’s happy with that deal. No?

Look, I use artificial sweetener every now and then, but I’m under no illusions as to how shitty it makes food taste.  The low carb protein bars full of sugar alcohols are just wrong, in my opinion. I’m guilty of trying a few, but it was immediately obvious that they tasted awful and had no business being in my mouth. I’m also pretty sure that incorporating them into your regular diet would have your jaw muscles and taste buds on par with that of a porn industry fluffer. Both are tough on the mandible and leave a nasty taste in your mouth.

I quickly ceased these futile practices (protein bars, I've had no experience with the other). I learned from my mistakes. I adapted and ‘evolved’, to use the term incorrectly. I did not continue to put those things in my mouth and then attempt to convince the voices in my head that what they were not some disgusting tasting, artificial and immoral gunk – but in fact a healthy, nutritious and delightful indulgence. Sorry, but the voices in my head cannot be bullshitted so easily.

If I want to eat something that tastes good and happens to be sweet, I eat nicely prepared food with sugar in it. It doesn't happen often these days, but it happens. If I want to eat pizza every few months, I make it myself and eat it. That might sound like common sense, but there are some human beings who make it their quest to complicate matters for the sake of absolute nonsense.

Mmmmm...grated stuff that looks like rubber.
I can see a certain amount of sense in substituting ingredients with something of nutritional value, e.g. cauliflower pizza bases, almond flour in cakes etc. but tofu? I don’t even know what that is or why it is supposedly fit for human consumption.

I ate it a few times in mapo tofu, but it never made any sense to me. The dish is mainly fatty pork mince and someone has decided to infiltrate that deliciousness with some white, slimy shit. I don't get it and can only assume it is another silly white man joke like chopsticks.

Apparently that was not a rhetorical question
The online advertisements and blog posts about the wonders of vegan cheese are so transparent to be laughable. They will have you believe that their mutant cheese substitute is so delicious that you’ll never crave the wonders of real cheese again.  

I agree, life is too short. But not so short that you don't have time to stop, think and realise that what you're wasting your time eating is an affront to your self respect and human decency in general.

Stop it.