I had forgotten about the health star ratings thing. It seems the madness has commenced and, not surprisingly, total nutritional idiocy is ensuing.
Although the scheme is voluntary, Uncle Tobys appears to be leading the charge – “All UNCLE TOBYS cereals are a source of fibre and wholegrain, and are Heart Foundation Tick Approved”
I know the list of Heart Foundation Tick approved foods are generally hilarious as long as you don't eat any of them, but the star rating appears to be competing for the same laughs.
They are quite proud of the 4 stars for items such as their Plus cereal range that includes beauties such as:
Plus Sports - only 70% carbohydrate and 23.9% sugar. I can only assume they call it “sports” because you need that much sugar to play sport. Der, where else are you going to get energy from? The sun?
Plus Protein - which, funnily enough, is actually 23.8% sugar. With only 13.5% protein, I guess they couldn't call it “Plus Sugar”. The ingredients are interesting – I don’t know what defatted soy flour is, but it’s not something I’ll be ingesting any time soon.
Honey Cheerios get 3.5 stars - 0.7% saturated fat is obviously pretty awesome. Pity about the 19.9% sugar.
I had no idea Uncle Toby was such a funny fucker:
“Many people mistakenly believe breakfast cereals are a big source of sugar.”
I feel so foolish, for believing this. Thank you Uncle Toby.
Nor did I know: “Low sugar cereals are not always a healthy choice. Some are also low in other nutrients too meaning you’re just getting ‘empty’ kilojoules.”
Or “Buying a nutritious, wholegrain cereal that has been lightly sweetened may = same sugar content as a plainer cereal with add-ins at home.”
And “Research shows kids who eat a pre-sweetened cereal still get essential nutrients + nutritious carbs + fibre and do not clock up more total sugar, saturated fat, sodium or kilojoules in their overall eating plan.”
Thank baby Jesus for that.
The hilariousness is on every page of the website, so if you are feeling a bit blue, I recommend you take a look and let the laughs flow.
Despite his jolly demeanour, don’t let Uncle Toby get you alone, in the kitchen, vulnerable. You’ll feel dirty and used and your internal organs may be scarred for life.