Monday, 30 March 2015

Jamie Oliver wants to teach our pigs how to sing.

The pigs being our kids. 

Or maybe it's our Government. 

I don't care if our Government is annoyed, so we'll stick with the kids.

Bad language warning. I haven't had time to write lately so the sweariness is bursting to get out.

Jamie Oliver knows how to cook, of that I have no doubt. I’m also supremely confident in his ability to talk a fair amount of bollocks on occasion. 

I suppose part of the reason why he’s so successful, and presumably influential, is because he has the talent to speak on a topic and appear knowledgeable, charming and believable. 

Salespeople have this talent and politicians and journos think they do. A person with an overdeveloped talent in this area is quite likely the CEO of an investment bank – make of that what you will.

Jamie’s movements are quite hard to keep track of because he likes to be in everything. He’s done so many different TV shows in the last 5-10 years I’m staggered his family remember what he feels like; although it does explain why he’s never had the time to deal with the line of broken bottles he calls teeth.

Cheap shots aside, I hear he’s in Australia at the moment, on a quest to convince our Government to make food education compulsory in our schools. If there’s one thing our current Government is up for, it’s retarded plans that will cost a lot and do fuck all good
yay, watermelon and corn to the rescue!!
Perhaps I'm being unfair. It certainly sounds like an admirable plan, except Jamie has also shared his feelings on nutrition, particularly on the paleo diet, which is where his plan falls in a big pile of poo. 

You see, Jamie “spends time with experts” and this makes him the fount of all nutrition knowledge. 

“I see world experts every two weeks for three hours on different specialisms … the reality is, these very specific diets are quite unsustainable,” Mr Oliver said.

Look, I work with very smart people with brilliant analytic minds, but I don’t kid myself that means I have any clue how to develop a financial model on the prospects of a new start up company or that my colleague’s methods are indisputably perfect. Some of them are even economists, for fuck's sake.

Pete Evans, our resident Paleo Prophet, has copped a lot of crap lately from journos because a kids’ cookbook he co-authored was withdrawn by publishers after “the authorities” were concerned that kiddies drinking bone broth would inevitably lead to the highest child mortality rate since humanoids stood upright. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t eat like Paleo Pete or think he has it all worked out, I just love the way he uses his profile to tell as many people as he can what a bunch of dishonest spastics they are at the Heart Foundation and how a lot of nutritionists don’t know the difference between a bowl of sugar and a bowl of cereal with the Heart Foundation tick of approval (i.e. fuck all).

Jamie thinks Pete’s ideas are bullshit. He’s entitled to that opinion. He certainly shares it with most nutrition experts in this country. What he’s not entitled to do, is to try and intensify the misguided belief that eating less and moving more will solve the obesity plague. 

'Everything in moderation and what you like. Can you have a burger every once and a while? Yeah. Can you have a beer? Yeah,' he said with conviction. 

I don't know about you, but when I hear someone say “eat everything in moderation” it’s a green light for me to translate anything else they say in to “I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about”.

I admire Oliver’s tenacity and his passion to improve the health of our kids. I just wish he’d actually listen to what he and his expert mates are saying. 

'Balance the rainbow, plants, oily fish, control your meats that are good quality, don't go nuts about avoiding carbs.'

Balance the rainbow? Fuck me. 

Everything in moderation doesn't work for most adults, why the hell would it work on the fussiest organisms on the planet? Seriously, serve any normal kid 3 serves of veggies and skinless chicken breast with brown rice and what do you get? My 6 yr old would tell you to fuck off, and rightly so. Where’s the flavour? Where’s the nutrition? Where's the satiety?

Jamie appears to be having another go at the same message experts have used for the past 5-6 decades. It won’t work. I’m confident it won’t work because it never has worked and apart from that, it’s based on the idiotic notion that, even though we're all immensely complicated organisms with an almost infinite number of differences, we will all benefit and our hormones will all react exactly the same, to a caloric deficit. 

I’m honestly curious why the message hasn't changed over the years – what, exactly, are they afraid will happen? Are all our kids going to blow up like the purple girl in Charlie's Chocolate Factory after the first meal of steak and eggs? Are their hearts going to explode?

I’m probably unfairly pre-empting Jamie’s master plan. If it gets kids to avoid sugar then I s’pose it’s better than nothing. If it reduces intake of pasta and bread, then that’s a bonus. But unless it adds in eggs and full fat dairy and fatty meat, then it’s clearly a waste of time. Removing one source of flavour and replacing it with another crap source has been done before. With shitty results.

Do I think that something needs to be done about childhood obesity? Absolutely. Do I think teaching them to eat to the rainbow and that everything in moderation will stave off that obesity?

Nope. But that's just my opinion.
And potentially leads them down a path to diabetes, obesity and health destruction.