Monday, 12 October 2015

Car for sale

Just getting rid of some adverts I wrote for my work noticeboard. After selling some shoes the other day, it seems the moderator has chosen to remind me that:

"Please note for future reference that your post did not meet the Noticeboard standards. Standards require notices to be specific and descriptive (to the item for sale)."

I s'pose they have a point. I'd obviously not make it as a marketing exec because all my ads are 20 times too detailed and require way too much focus from the consumer. Consumer's want brevity, humour, a hint of sex and to be convinced they 'need' what you are selling. All in the space of 15-30 seconds or they'll go back to sending photos of their genitals on snapchat.

I don't really know what snapchat is but I'm told, by a reliable source, that is what young people use it for. 

Anyway, here is the ad from last year when I had to sell my car. I hated that car, but of course you can't tell prospective buyers that.  

For Sale.


Look, I know times are tough – our city is apparently booming if you happen to be driving a truck for Inpex, but for everyone else I can imagine it not being that easy to stump up cash to buy my astoundingly handsome car. But considering our insane house prices, surely you have at least $800k of equity in your home that is sitting around waiting to be used.

Clearly your 'child', who is 35 and still living at home, would be seen and heard a lot less if you supplied them with reliable transport.

Surely your spouse will never again be able to refer to you as "lacking excitement and spontaneity" if you surprise them with a shiny green toy.

Hopefully this is a wake-up call to you all because, after a whole week of advertising on this noticeboard, all I have are people emailing/taunting me with comments such as "ha ha, I don't want your car, but just wanted to say..."

Honestly, I have no words because that is just so cruel.

Take another long look and let the awesomeness wash over you.

Original Advert

Yes, it may look like the many other Toyota Camries on the road, but this one is special - his name is Randall. Don’t call him Randy. He hates that.

Main details:
Name: Randall Franciscus Dominic Camry II
Scientific name: Toyota Camry Altise Limited – ACV36R (Jul)
Born – October 2005
Motor - 4 cylinder 2.4L automatic
Kilometres travelled – 89,000
Colour –I dunno, look at the pictures. I owned a ‘purple’ car for years and then discovered it was actually dark green
Doors – 4
Boot – 1
Wheels – 4, plus one full-size spare (space-saver tyres are an abomination), plus one steering wheel. So…6 in total.

Pictures are attached. I draped myself over the bonnet and pouted my lips seductively but my wife couldn’t stop laughing so the pics I wanted to post were all blurry and unusable. Pity, as I don’t really have another use for the mankini.

If you want to meet Randall and bear witness to his brilliantness, please email me. I will even let you kick his tyres and honk his horn.

You can haggle if you want, but honestly, do you really want to cheapen our relationship this early in the peace? Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry? Do you really want to hurt meeeeeee?

That’s a rhetorical question.

It’s also a reference to a hit song from the 80s, just in case any Gen Y readers are confused. I hear that’s a Gen Y thing…being confused. To clear up some more confusion, no, the dinosaurs did not still roam the earth in the 80s and we managed to live quite happily without i-things and social media. Believe it or not, but friendships in those days involved speaking to each other in person and talking in acronyms usually resulted in someone getting their nose broken.

Great days.

Anyway, reminiscing aside, Randall is located in the city during business hours and in the suburbs after that. I’ve heard that sometimes potential buyers expect sellers to drive to their houses for an inspection. I am neither insane nor gullible so the chances of me doing that are almost zero. Unless of course you have just tapped a keg and have bbq ribs on the go.

You are welcome to get your brother’s ex-wife’s uncle, who was once a mechanic but now a naturopath, to inspect Randall. But if they say he has terminal gluten intolerance, then I reserve the right to laugh at you and slash the selling price by $2.50.

Randall’s additional features:
  • Tow bar – for towing Mr Sprinkles to polo matches on weekends
  • alloy wheels - for…umm…not looking like plastic
  • air-conditioner - do I really need to waste text by saying that it’s cold? Well, it is, and I just have. Are you happy now?
  • Sheep’s skin front & rear seat covers - from a really, really happy ewe that was a bit hot and needed a haircut. That her skin came off too, is not my fault
  • Big boot - can easily transport a large, human-size object. Not that I did that. At least you can’t prove that I did. The garbage bags were very thick
  • headlights
  • indicators
  • seat belts
  • lots of other little lights
  • accelerator and brake pedals
  • massive mojo
  • The Power of Greyskull
None of our kids have ever thrown up in the back. Or the front. Or the boot. We don’t smoke (cigarettes) or own a dog, so make of that what you will. We do own some chooks but they’ve never borrowed it without my permission. I’ve also never knowingly transported a militant vegan in this car, so that probably adds value too.
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