Monday, 1 February 2016

Plants do not like us.

And will surely destroy us from within, or enslave us with their prickly appendages.

It's no recently-revealed secret that plants have evolved to defend themselves against predators - and we all know who the apex predator is on this little planet of ours. You only have to walk into a garden and casually brush up against a few different shrubs, bushes or vines to fall into the itchy hell that is your plant 'friends' trying to kill you.

Despite their arguable value as nutrients, plants don't like us, and there is quite an interesting argument that they certainly don't like being inside you

I'm usually up for a good conspiracy theory - hell, I could even buy into the suggestion that certain public figures are actually alien spies, transported here by intergalactic beings roughly 10-15,000 years ago. Promoters of agriculture, they have worked their way up to head propaganda machines like the FDA and Heart Foundations and various fruitarian cults.

There's really only one way to disprove that hypothesis, but unfortunately it is illegal to crack open "people" like Ornish and Campbell and see what is actually making them tick. Blood and bones? Ha, likely story.
it's like they didn't even try to make him look human
So, call me delusional, but what if I'm right? What if Day of the Triffids was some brilliant prediction, on par with the very best of Eric Arthur Blair? 

If flora Armageddon did come to pass, while it would be nice to spend some time gloating to your vegan neighbour, the joy would be fleeting. It's probable that she's now your "Sector Obersturmf├╝hrer" and will soon be pulling out the bamboo whip, strapping you down with vine and juice-boarding you. If you do not submit to your new Overlords, I'm sure you'd make a very nice pot for growing kale, after they've scraped out your insides and used them as fertiliser.

These visions came to me on a recent visit to a local mango farm. As I walked through the rows of fruit trees, I came upon a section that stopped me in my tracks. The considerable hair on the back of my neck prickled with electricity. 

Was this the start of the end? 

Well, hello there, stranger.

The army, waiting for orders to unleash Hell.

innocent fruit or appendages to suck out our brains?

arsehole bees working for the enemy
do not leave your gun unattended

The human name for these creatures is dragon fruit or Pitaya.

Make no mistake, they lie in wait. Don't say you weren't warned.