Wednesday, 10 February 2016

The race to the bottom

First a disclaimer – I fully appreciate that the internet is chockablock full of people, with varying degrees of intelligence and sanity, ranting about whatever they happen to be annoyed at, usually after waking up in their priveliged, comfortable, non-disease ravaged, non-war-torn environment. I’m certainly guilty of ranting about inconsequential nonsense from time to time, but I try not to make it a regular thing. Unfortunately, things have been building up lately and it is time to purge the rage before my senses give up and refuse to let me read the useful stuff on the internet. 

The US Presidential ‘race’ – while I will never understand the celebrity status of this position, particularly given the role has been filled by a long and consistent line of rich, war-mongering arseholes, I certainly get the importance, in theory, of not electing a mentally deranged lunatic to control the buttons that launch nuclear warheads. Never mind the emetic ludicrosity of Hollywood making movies where the POTUS is cast as an action hero who saves the day or shoots all the bad brown people with foreign accents, the thing that really shits me to tears, beyond all said idiocy, is the lead up to the election, the so-called ‘race’ to see who can be the most popular wanker.

For starters, I have no idea when the American people actually get the chance to vote, but I’m pretty sure it’s not any time soon. Even if a certain dickhead billionaire with ridulous hair wasn’t involved, I can’t, for the life of me, grasp why any country that is not the US, would be interested in who is leading in any particular popularity contest at any given time. I don’t know what a "primary" is and I have zero interest in finding out.

I ate in the staff lunch room the other day and sat next to a table full of university graduates in their early 20s. As far as I could ascertain, because it’s damn near impossible to understand young people when they use the word “like’ at least 15 times per minute, they had a pretty good handle on which candidate was doing what and who’s policies were less shit. Pure madness.

I can’t imagine a bigger waste of time and effort than following this circus when anyone with a skerrick of common sense realises that whoever is better friends with the rich pricks and spends the most of their rich friends’ cash, will win, and you can guarantee it won’t make a lick of difference to anything, or anyone, anywhere. Rich people will still be rich and hold on to power, and the poor will…well, y’know.

The deterioration of the English language is accelerating

While this was just one of the predictions penned by Mr Blair in his classic 1984 (he called it newspeak, I call it being a fuckwit), I have this sick feeling in my guts that it’s like some massive shopping trolley that started at the top of an immensely steep hill in the 90s. Some smart arse stumbled into it, drunk, and set it on a downward course with the infinitely moronic non-word ‘lol’ and ever since then, an endless line of wankers have been throwing new non-words into it and setting it on the inevitable course of destruction at breath-taking speed.

The verbal use of “like” is maddening. Like, totes infuriating, brah. It has become the new ‘umm’ for those that cannot bear to leave even a suggestion of a pause in their conversation.

I’m certain that an increasing number of people are so infatuated by the sound of their own voice and believe that the world must know their every thought (fuck you, Twitter), "conversations” are more monologues, with any semblance of an audience becoming superfluous. That is fine with me, because I’m, like, totes not listening anyway.   

I've given up on correcting people on the difference between your and you're because they most likely think I'm an anally retentive twat. That may be true, but it annoys the crap out of me. I would love to just send them an email and type "YOUR AN ILLITERATE IDIOT", but again, I'm simply too nice. 


A frivolous anecdote

It is 2016 and presumably intelligent people still don’t realise that a big cup of fruit juice has no business being in a human digestive system. I was recently in an elevator with a man and a woman and the man, holding a coffee, commented that the woman’s drink, a similar size cup of juice, was “obviously healthier” than his. Sometimes I wish I was an arrogant arse, just so I could blurt out to idiots like this “what planet are you on, you complete and utter shitforbrains?”

Alas, I am not, so I held my tongue and chose to be arrogant here instead.

While I’m at it, have a spurious hypothesis based on pure speculation*

Humans like speculating on the causes of problems. I often speculate that fruitarian poo will eventually eat through a toilet bowl, just like fruit bat poo eats through the paint on your car if you don't wash it off within 24 hours. 

I also speculate that the global obesity issue is not caused by too much ‘food’ or ‘sugar’ or 'carbs’ but too much frothy milk. I love coffee, but my imbibing involves 2 shots of espresso and a small dash of milk or cream. I can therefore shoot it down in one or two gulps and feel completely satisfied. The number of humans walking around with massive takeaway cups of coffee is staggering. Assuming there is a maximum of two shots of coffee in said cup, it therefore means these people are drinking extraordinary amounts of lactose and probably added sugar.

I rest my case.

*and perhaps a little bit of mischief considering I know it is certainly bullshit.

Finally, if you've worked your way through all that nonsense, have a sleeping, fat puppy.

Everyone likes puppies. We bought one last week and it is very cute. A bit predictable, but cute all the same. 
being cute is tiring